Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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