I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
