All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
