yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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