dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
