I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
