....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
