Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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