I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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