so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
