She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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