All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
