dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
