She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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