and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
