Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
