fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
