After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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