My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I will be naked everywhere
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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