Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
