He asked to "fluff my boner.."
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
