I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Randomize
