I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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