I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
