so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
