mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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