I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
