Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
