she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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