Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
