Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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