No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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