Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
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My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
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I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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