Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
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He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
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Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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