it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Mom said you looked used
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
