Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
