I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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