thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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