great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
