It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Terrible idea I love it
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
