he told me I talked like a deaf person
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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