the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
