I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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