Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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