Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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