i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
