Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Dear god my vagina.
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