I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
