The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
