my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
