You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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