this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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