that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
