my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You pole danced in your parka.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
