And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
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He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
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IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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