I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
